What I Do When Thanksgiving Triggers my Eating Disorder Brain
I’ve been healing from disordered eating, exercise bulimia, and body dysmorphia for six years now, and I feel the most healed I’ve ever felt. On my best days, I don’t even think about my body. I no longer obsessively planning what I’m going to eat.
I’m moving toward body neutrality…my body a mere vessel allowing my heart and soul and mind to move through this physical world.
But then the holidays approach, and I feel more vulnerable to old thought patterns. I start to hear the faint whisperings of past eating disorder gremlins.
Thanksgiving, as you can imagine, is an especially triggering holiday for me.
It brings up memories of
feeling stressed about all the calories I was going to consume.
I had spent months upon months leading up to the holiday restricting my calories, surviving off of quinoa-black-bean mush and kale protein smoothies, and my body craved…needed…more than bunny food.
It brings up memories of
feeling guilty after eating the enormous meal…feeling uncomfortably full because I went back for seconds and thirds…my body fearing at a primitive survival level that it would be deprived of nutrition again so it needed to eat all that it could while I allowed it and while the food was available.
It brings up memories of
planning how I would burn off the calories in a post-Thanksgiving cardio session…exercise bulimia as the devil on my shoulder, pushing me to run faster, further…beads of sweat running down my face as penance for pumpkin pie.
It brings up memories of
fearing all of the photos that were going to be taken on Thanksgiving…then looking back at the photos after they had been taken, seeing only a fat, ugly woman who had gained so much weight since last year.
I hate our culture for turning a holiday all about gratitude and family and warmth and gathering into about fear and shame and restriction and binging and stress.
So what do I do?
Honestly, I still don’t have a great game plan. I came to the computer this morning, 7 AM on Thanksgiving morning, to try to figure that out. Here’s what I have so far…
Pause. Notice. Recognize. Name. Simply noticing and naming these thoughts and feelings is a huge win for me. An important first step. I recognized feeling triggered and decided to do something to actively work on my continued healing.
Seek support. Find community. Over the past couple of days, I’ve been reading and sharing quotes on Instagram about eating disorder recovery and combatting diet culture, especially over the holidays. This has helped me feel less alone and has helped me shift my internal narrative.
Comfort and confidence. After my lovely hot shower this morning, I plan to put on my most comfortable pants and a gorgeous sweater. I’m going to blow dry my hair (if my child allows) and put on mascara. I’m going to set myself up to feel super comfortable and confident in this body I have today.
Take fewer pictures. I’ll put my phone away and take only a few pictures to document our life and our growing boy.
Check in on my body’s cues. I’ll notice how my body feels throughout the meal. If I feel like I want to eat more…whether that’s because I’m still hungry or because the food just tastes so damn good…I will eat more. If I feel satisfied, I will stop, knowing that there is more buttery, savory, substantial food in my future. No need to binge now because all of this food is allowed any time.
Focus on something more f*ing meaningful than food and my body. If I notice myself lingering on negative body thoughts, I’ll kindly and gently pivot and focus on something more f*ing meaningful like the love I feel by my family (three Thanksgivings in three days, here we go!), or the warmth of my son sitting on my lap, or the comfort of traditions, or how freaking amazing my gluten free stuffing was this year, or how tasty this red wine is.
