Guest Writer Wednesday: New story...I'm good enough.

Hello unicorn embracers!

When Kristen posted the request for a last minute guest writer, I was quick to respond. 

I told Kristen “I might be interested in writing about being 38 and having a junior in college and how I deal with that social stigma (for the past 20 years!)."

After writing a quick draft and then rereading, and thinking about it for the past couple of days, I decided to start over.

Already writing about this unicorn story has been therapeutic and cathartic, just like Kristen said it would be! Yay Kristen!

I am realizing that, as a 38-year-old (actually I’m 39! I got my age wrong!) of a soon to be 21-year-old, I don’t have any trouble embracing that I am a mother: A mother of two biological kids and two step kids. (That’s another unicorn story of divorce and remarriage.) I have loved being a mother for the past 20 years!

I embraced being a mother at every turn. So, the process of writing and thinking about this unicorn led me to this statement. There is no question that I embrace being a mother. I love my children, so much, and I would not change one thing about deciding to have children. However, what I am trying to figure out is: why I am angry?

I became pregnant at 17, at the end of my senior year in high school. After the initial shock, I made the decision to have and keep the baby. My baby daddy and our families were supportive (and still are!).

I have so many (white) privileges and blessings that others may not have: I have a very supportive family, my baby daddy was (and still is!) a good dad, for years I received food stamps and low income housing, for years my children and I were on Medicaid, my children had access to quality public education and public services.  I have the privilege of getting a degree and an advanced degree. I have the privilege of having a good job with a livable wage. So even though I was a teen mom, I was able to some awesome things. So why am I angry? 

I think that I am angry because life is hard for so many people, women especially. I think that society has ridiculous standards that are impossible to meet. I tell myself that I am always doing it wrong or backwards or out of order and I judge myself so much.

The standard goes like this:

Have a great childhood, go to college, have fun in college, fall in love (to the right person), get married (to the right person), have fun being married for a while, get awesome jobs, have an awesome house, have enough money, have kids, have awesome kids, have an awesome and easy life.

My life goes like this: 

Graduate high school (thank God), have a child, get married, have another child, live on public assistance for years, go to college, go in debt, get a job, get a divorce, get remarried, become a mother of 2 step children.

I embrace being a mother, no doubt. But I judge myself so much for not meeting the standards of the story that society tells us and the story that we tell ourselves. 

I want to create a new story that I tell myself; one that is kinder and less judgy. In time, I will develop this new story (maybe through some therapy!). For now, my new story will be, "I'm good enough."

Thank you, so much, for reading, fellow unicorn embracers! 

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