A Quiet Moment Before the Transfer
Feeling proud of myself…the day before our final frozen embryo transfer (FET)
Tomorrow is our last frozen embryo transfer (FET). We will be transferring the last of three genetically normal embryo we got (grew? cultivated? created? harvested?) from our IVF procedures back in the fall of 2018.
Our first transfer in February 2019 resulted in in our son.
Our second transfer in February 2022 resulted in a positive pregnancy test…but I ultimately miscarried because the embryo didn’t continue to develop (i.e., blighted ovum).
We were going to do a FET biopsy cycle in September 2022 to gather more information about my uterus to better inform timing of medications for our last real transfer…but this was cancelled because I got COVID.
We were supposed to do our last FET in early December 2022…but this was cancelled because I got COVID again.
That brings us to today…January 19, 2023. Nearly four years exactly from our first transfer. And I’m ready. Ready to do it. To know the outcome. To move on in whatever direction life takes us.
Deep inhale, deep exhale.
I’m ready.
I took a moment during my son’s afternoon nap today to pause and reflect. The soulful smoothness of Brandi Carlile in my AirPods and the steady static of the baby monitor slipped me into a sentimental state of mind, thinking about the last five years. From May 2018 when I received my my initial infertility diagnoses of a unicornuate uterus (i.e., half a uterus), diminished ovarian reserve (i.e., not many eggs left), and poor egg quality (i.e., old lady eggs even though I was young) to today, the day before our last infertility procedure. The day before the last of our three embryos is transferred into my uterus. It’s almost too much for me to hold at once.
I’m really proud of myself. Thankful for my body for giving its all during each arduous cycle. In awe of my mastery of self-administered injections in my stomach AND in my booty. So beyond grateful for every family member, friend, coworker, neighbor, Internet connection who has cheered me on through the years.
Good luck goodies from a friend, the day before our last transfer
Yes. I’m proud and in awe and grateful.
But I’m also really tired and really worn down. As my rheumatoid arthritis (RA) has slowly worsened over the last few years, I’ve had to delay starting new medications because of trying to get pregnant. Consequently, my hands, feet, back, neck, hips ache, my function is limited, my immune system blows, and I just generally feel like I’m being slowly flattened by a steamroller (thanks, RA malaise).
My body needs something to shift.
And so does my mind.
My FET medication protocol. I started this cycle on December 6, 2022. This FET cycle took 45 days and a way-too complex Excel spreadsheet.
I’m ready to rediscover other parts of Kristen that have absolutely nothing to do with my ability to bear children (or lack thereof). Maybe to go back to school. To write about other things other than needle pokes in the stomach. To write a book! To get my nose pierced. To take on toddler travel. To share my life and embrace new unicorns with the same honesty and vulnerability as I did during my infertility chapter. To connect with you as you take on embracing your life’s unicorns.
Thank you for sharing these years with me. It’s been therapeutic to feel community on the Internet. To feel less alone.
Tomorrow is the transfer. Our pregnancy test is February 2. I’ll keep you posted.
Keep us in your thoughts!
