Our Last (in)Fertility Hurrah!...cancelled

I started this blog post a couple weeks ago. It was initially titled “Our last (in)Fertility Hurrah!” Unfortunately, I’ve had to update it since then…

Our third and final frozen embryo transfer (FET) was scheduled for early December. Six days from today actually. Except I got COVID…again…just 72 days after I got COVID in September. And so now our embryo transfer is cancelled.

When my nurse told me that we were going to have to cancel the transfer, I cried.

I cried a lot.

I cried for the money down the toilet. So, so much money spent on hormones and medications…for nothing.
I cried for my poor body. For injecting it with so many things over the past three weeks…for nothing.
I cried for the hard work gone. Going through an embryo transfer cycle is really hard. And it’s even harder when trying to work…and parent a toddler…and keep up with life.
I cried for my (false) sense of control. I wanted this transfer to happen now so I could move on with my life, one way or the other. To move on down the second child road…or to move on down the no-more-kids road and work on my physical health and start new rheumatoid arthritis medications to finally start to feel better.

Four and a half years on this infertility roller coaster is enough. I’m motion sick, tired, and ready to get off the ride. I saw the last loop-de-loop in the distance…one more hurl through this uncomfortable emotionally-draining and physically-exhausting catapult. And now the end has been pushed further into the distance. And I feel super bummed, a little defeated, and like I’ve lost my momentum.

And momentum was so critical to get through this last push. I needed it to get me through. Because, you see, I could be totally okay with having just one child and no more. I could call it quits today and be good. Happy. Satisfied. So grateful.

And, at the same time, I would always wonder about that last embryo we didn’t use. The third of three genetically normal embryos we struggled to get after two IVF cycles back in 2018. I would wonder about the soul that might reside in that blastocyst…those 100 cells that hold the possibility of life…the wonders of the universe…the hope of a daughter.

And I’ve always wanted a daughter.

And I’d love two children.

But it seems like that possibility is just getting pushed further and further away.

In moments like these, I keep myself grounded through gratitude…by contemplating all of the wondering things I have in my life. My husband. My son. My supportive, loving friends and family. Coworkers that truly see me and support me during this infertility shiz. Privilege, access to healthcare, a warm home.

I also ground myself by thinking about the parable about the Chinese farmer. I wrote about it in this blog post back in 2020.

So I guess I don’t see this embryo cancellation as “good” or “bad.” It just is. It just sucks. And it’ll suck less tomorrow…and less the next day. But for right now, I’m just gonna let is suck. And I’m gonna share my suck with you because it’s real…and sometimes life sucks…and I hope you can feel less alone in whatever suck you’re going through because you have a partner in the suck. A “this sucks” partner.

Thanks for letting me vent. I feel a little better.